James Potter in a Sombrero
by xPreppyxInxPinkx
Summary: Boy has infatuation with Girl. Girl wants to drop a ton of hippogriff dung on Boy. Boy tries to impress girl. Girl drops said ton of hippogriff dung on Boy. Boy and Girl get married and have a lovely little boy named Harry. R&R!
1. Castanet Dance

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing, I say! Nothing, except the weasels… (steeples fingers) Yes, I own the weasels…

X

"Prongs, I don't think I'll make it! Go on… Without… Me…" Sirius panted.

"Mate, I can't leave you! We're in this together!"

"Can't… Go… On…"

"Sirius, you can pull through, I know you can!"

"Oh no… James, look!"

"Oh. My. God."

"AVELANCHE!" The two marauders yelled as they fell into a helpless pile of giggles.

"Potter, Black, this is a DETENTION! Not play time! Get back to dusting!"

"YES MA'AM!" James replied, commando-style, and saluted her.

"And might I add, you are looking simply spiffing tonight, Minerva, have you lost weight?" Sirius winked, trying to charm McGonagall.

"Sweet Jesus…" McGonagall muttered to herself.

"No need to call my name, baby!" James retorted.

"GET BACK TO DUSTING!"

X

"HEY EVANS!" Lily had just sat down at the Gryffindor table. "EVANS!" James called.

"Bugger…" Lily muttered to herself.

"HEY EVANS! JAMES HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!" Sirius yelled.

Lily rolled her eyes. "No Potter, I'm not going out with you, sorry!" She said exasperatedly.

"Oh, he's not asking you out… No, this is much, much more disturbing…" Remus smirked.

Suddenly, James started serenading Lily, with a sombrero on, strumming a Mexican acoustic guitar.

"Lily, you smell like a rose,

Lily, you have a cute nose,

Lily, you drive me silly,

'Cause I want to take off all your cloooooooothes…"

Then, the rest of the marauders joined in as background singers, with castanets and matching sombreros. Lily had a look of utmost horror on her face.

"Bum, bum, bum…" They sang.

"I think about you every day,

During Divination class,

I want to go out with you,

But you just want to kick my ass!

I dream of you every night,

You're truly a beautiful sight,

I want you with all of my miiiiiiiight…

Oh Lily, won't you go out with me?"

Remus, Sirius and Peter started a castanet solo, while James circled around the area where Lily was seated, strumming his guitar, with a rose in his mouth.

"He's sooo cute!" A Hufflepuff fourth year whispered.

"And sooo romantic!" Her friend giggled.

Just as the other three marauders finished their solo and took off their sombreros, James handed the rose to Lily.

Lily took it, and a flitter of hope surged through James's body… Until she whacked him in the head with it and ran out of the Great Hall.

"Prongs, I don't think that went so well…" Sirius said.

"No shit, Sherlock!" James replied.

X

Lily ran and didn't stop; She just kept going. She didn't even know where she was going until she realized she was in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Silver Snidget," Lily stated, distractedly.

The Fat Lady swung forward and Lily walked in.

**_Good, no one's in the Common Room._** She thought to herself.

She jogged up the stairs to the girls' dorms into her room.

She collapsed on her bed and her grey and orange mottled cat, Ludwig, jumped up next to her.

"Oh Ludwig, that twat Potter is at it again! He is so obnoxious and embarrassing! Why can't he just leave me alone?"

**_Meow_**

"What's that?" Lily asked, a bit hysterically, as she was having a conversation with her pet cat. "Yes, yes, revenge on Potter… Good idea Ludwig!"

**_Meow_**

"A prank… I'll beat him at his own game! You're brilliant, Ludwig, simply brilliant!" Lily said, rather hysterically. She laughed maniacally as Ludwig jumped off the bed.

X

Author's Note: Bad girl, bad girl, what's she gonna do? Ooh, Lily's getting in touch with her evil side! Dun dun dun… Reviews please!


	2. Mercutio

Disclaimer: Oh alright, I don't even own the weasels. Happy? Damn weasels…

X

Lily spent the next day spying on James with Ludwig. She was currently hiding under a table in the common room.

"So I says to him, I says, Dumbledore, that's no ton of hippogriff dung, that's my wife!" Black said the punch line of his joke as the rest of the marauders (and many female onlookers) roared with laughter.

**_Meow_**

"Yes Ludwig, yes… I'll drop a ton of hippogriff dung on Potter! C'est parfait! You're a genius, Ludwig, a genius!" Lily laughed maniacally.

Lily sprinted up to her dorm and started mapping out the plans for her prank.

Meanwhile, the marauders were up to some trouble of their own…

X

"Mate, are you sure this'll work?" Remus asked.

"Of course! When have my ideas ever failed?" Sirius replied.

"Well, since you asked," Remus started, "I'll just revert to my 'Padfoot's Stupid Ideas/Pranks that End Up With 1-4 of Us in the Hospital Wing for at Least a Week' list! So, there was the time you were **sure** that jumping off the astronomy tower was perfectly safe… You and James were in the hospital wing for three weeks… There was the time you were **positive** that we could play tag with the Whomping Willow… Peter and James in the hospital wing for eleven days… The time you **just had a feeling** that the giant squid wanted to take us around on it's back… I nearly drowned and you, Peter and James were in the hospital wing for two weeks… The time you had an **inkling** that McGonagall's cactus wanted to learn to do the moonwalk-"

"Alright Moony, we get it," Sirius cut in, "Sometimes my pranks are a little dangerous, but I promise you, I fully checked this one out! We'll be perfectly fine!" Sirius argued.

"Alright, but if one of us dies, or is severely injured, you owe me thirty chocolate frogs."

"Guys, I got the cloak! Let's roll!" James said, coming down the stairs from the boys' dorm.

"Righto," Sirius agreed.

The four boys hopped under the cloak and headed out of the common room.

X

"Yes, yes, it is complete! My plan is perfect! I will rule the world!" Lily shouted at her cat.

**_Meow_**

"Oh alright, not the world, but I will prank Potter perfectly! Wow, Alliteration!"

Lily laughed again, maniacally.

X

The four marauders were trailing some Slytherin's under the cloak.

"So then I says to him, I says, Dumbledore, that's no ton of hippogriff dung, that's my master, Lord Voldemort!" Avery said as Malfoy, Dolohov and Nott laughed appropriately, but Snape laughed hysterically.

"AVERY!" He panted, "AVERY, THAT IS SO BLOODY FUNNY!" He laughed hysterically as the rest of the death eaters stopped laughing and stared at him for a few moments, but then carried on their conversation.

"Anyway," Nott started, "I was thinking we could throw old Voldie a happy birthday party. I was just having trouble deciding on a theme…"

"Ah… The theme…" Malfoy spoke.

"Well, what about a groovy disco party?" Dolohov suggested.

"GROOVY!" Snape yelled, laughing, "PARTY!" He continued yelling, in between laughing spasms, "DISCO! A DISCO PARTY! THAT'S THE BEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD!" He yelled, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Seriously Snape, it's not that bloody funny." Malfoy said with a dead on stare.

Snape immediately stopped laughing.

"Snivellus, go and fetch me a pumpkin pasty from the kitchens, will you?" Malfoy requested, lazily.

"But of course, Lucius, you're my best friend!"

"Yes, yes, of course, friends forever, now go get the pastry, fool!" Lucius said.

Snape sprinted to the steps, started running up them, but got his foot caught in the trick step and fell flat on his face.

The marauders had a hard time stifling their laughter.

"Oh Lucy, I love you so much! Do you need anything? A refreshing drink? A blowjob?" James imitated as Sirius and Remus snorted, and Peter squeaked.

They four continued trailing the Slytherin's to find out where their dormitories were.

The Gryffindor's followed the Slytherin's up to a stone wall.

"Mercutio," Avery noted, and they walked through the wall.

The marauders now had the key to unlocking their prank.

X

Author's Note: Sorry it's short! I have massive amounts of stuff to do for the play! (Note "Mercutio"… Our play is "Romeo and Juliet"). Review Please!


	3. Let's Get Crackin'

Disclaimer: It's all mine, mine I say, mine!

X

The Marauders were all under the cloak, walking towards the Slytherin common room.

"Ok," James started, "Everyone's probably asleep."

"Or they're **pretending** to be asleep, but really wanking," Sirius replied.

"No, that's just Snivellus," Remus answered back.

"Mercutio," James whispered to the stone wall.

The four boys under the invisibility cloak walked through the wall. A strange sight to see, except for the fact that no one could see them under the cloak. But if they could be seen under the cloak (though they were invisible), it would have been a strange sight to see. Even though they couldn't be seen.

"Good," James whispered as the four made their way into the Slytherin Common Room, "Everyone's asleep."

"Let's get crackin'!" Sirius retorted.

"I hope you meant 'Let's get started', and not 'Let's go snort crack'…" Remus whispered.

Sirius and James snickered and Peter squeaked.

"Alright, since I'm stealthy-" James started, but was cut off by Sirius,

"Stealthy?" He whispered, "You are the lankiest person I know, James Potter!"

"Who do you suggest is the stealthiest, Sirius Black?" James demanded.

"Moi, Prongs-ey, It's obvious!"

In perfect timing, Sirius stumbled over his own feet and fell to the ground, spilling a forgotten bottle of Butterbeer everywhere.

"Riiiiight…" James said.

"I could do it," Remus suggested.

"Ok, let's take a vote." James suggested, "Who votes for Moony?"

James', Sirius' and Remus' hands went up. Peter looked around nervously to make sure they all had agreed on Remus before he chose him over Sirius or James.

"Alright," Remus said, "I'll be back!" He said, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger-like voice.

He tip-toed up the stairs to the Slytherin fifth year's dorm room, dressed head to toe in black, while the other three boys set to work on the other part of their plan.

X

_Lily was in the doorway to the prefect bathroom._

_"Evans? Is that you?" Snape asked._

_"It's the girl of your dreams, Severus," Lily replied._

_"Evans? But… but-but… You hate me!"_

_"Severus, I don't hate you, actually, quite the contrary," Lily replied seductively._

_Snape was at a loss for words. His one true love didn't hate him. In fact, she loved him! She chose him over that prat, Potter!_

_Lily walked over to Snape and leaned in towards him to give him a kiss. The kiss deepened and clothing was shed._

_"Lily…" Snape moaned._

X

**_'What the fuck? Did Snape just moan 'Lily'?_**' Remus thought to himself. He listened closer.

"Lily…" Snape moaned again.

Remus decided to ignore the fairly annoying, and extremely disturbing moans of Severus Snape. He snuck over next to Lucius Malfoy's bed first.

"Roses cheaveax," Remus whispered, pointing his wand at Malfoy's head. Suddenly, a bright pink color started growing from Malfoy's roots of long, pimp-y blonde hair. Remus snickered to himself.

Next he crept over to Antonin Dolohov's bed.

"Buboboil" He said quietly, as Dolohov's face sprouted disgusting, slimy boils.

Nott was next on the list. "Vertigo" he whispered at him.

Avery was dealt with after Nott. "Poultry" he whispered at Avery.

Remus snuck over to Snape's bed. (He was stealthy, after all!) This was the ultimate prank. "Mortificate".

Remus quietly walked out of the Slytherins' dorm

"Moony! We just finished! Let's go!" Sirius whispered.

The boys put the cloak over their heads and walked through the stone wall, leaving the bright pink and yellow polka dot painted Slytherin dungeons.

X

Lily hadn't slept at all. It was kind of scary. She'd stayed up all night putting the finishing touches on her prank… But now she looked a bit like a caffeine-deprived Frankenstein. In a skirt.

"Miss Lillian, you are looking simply ravishing this morning!" Sirius said to her.

"Black, I'm not interested in you, and my name isn't Lillian. Sod off."

"Oh, a feisty one? I'll keep my eyes on you…"

"Isn't that Potter's job?"

"Ah, yes, young Prongs… He's a good lad, but wouldn't you prefer someone like… Oh, I don't know… Me?" Sirius winked.

"Wanker." Lily bit her thumb.

X

The marauders headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast, stoked to see their Slytherin buddies' new styles.

Sirius was first to spot them. It was rather hard not to. Malfoy stalked in first, with his pimp stick, and bright, neon pink hair, and matching flushed cheeks.

Closely following him were Dolohov and Nott. Dolohov had bulbous pus-filled boils all over his face, arms and legs… And other places… And Nott was crawling on all fours, with a look of terror on his face.

"I'm so… High… Up… Height… The height… Nooooo!" He was ranting to himself.

Behind Dolohov and Nott was Avery; he was acting extremely oddly, and flapping his arms like a chicken.

"BUCKAAAAAH!" He clucked. It was a bit disturbing; however, the most disturbing sight was yet to come…

In strolled Severus Snape. He was wearing a sexy, slinky black robe and had his hair gelled back.

He sauntered over to the Gryffindor table and went straight to the spot where James was seated.

"Hello, Mr. Potter," Snape whispered huskily.

"Err…"

"Err…"

"Err…"

"Err…"

The marauders were at a loss of what to say. Matters weren't helped after what Snape did next…

X

Author's Note: Dun dun dun! What's Snapie gonna do? Reviews please! Omg, please don't be mad at me for slow updates! I've been really busy with exams and basketball tryouts… I hope I make the team… Review!


	4. Beat It!

Disclaimer: JK is richer than the queen. I have the ten bucks I stole from my sister. You figure it out.

X

Suddenly, Snape ripped off his sexy, slinky black cloak to reveal nothing but a hot pink thong!

Silence.

Snape plunked down next to James on the bench. Then he kissed him.

Silence.

James pulled away the instant Snape's lips touched his own.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" He roared.

More silence.

Snape scooted closer to James on the bench.

"James, I have feelings for you. Feelings of… Lust. And desire. I want to act on those feelings," he purred.

James was thoroughly disgusted and shot up and took off running.

"Well, even if it came at the price of our best mate being publicly molested and humiliated, at least we now know what Snape's most embarrassing moment would be," Remus whispered to Sirius and Peter.

"What, to wear a hot pink thong?" Peter asked stupidly.

X

Lily and Ludwig walked down to the Care of Magical Creatures classroom. (A/n: not really a classroom, but w/ev…)

"Alright Ludwig, here's the spot where Potter and his cronies always stand during class, right next to the oak tree…" Lily pointed to a spot on the grass.

She then walked over to a pile of "Happy Hippogriff Manure" bags.

"Wingardium Leviosa," she spoke, and levitated them to the top of the oak.

At that moment, students from the Slytherin/Gryffindor Year Five Care of Magical Creatures class started arriving. Lily stood inconspicuously behind the oak tree.

The Future Death Eaters of Britain were the first to arrive. Malfoy had his hair tied up and covered with a strange Peter Pan-esque hat, while Dolohov had tried (and failed) to cover his boils with "Teen Witch Cover-up!". Nott was still crawling on all fours with a look of terror on his face, mumbling incoherently about heights. Then came Avery, still behaving much like an undomesticated chicken. Last came Severus Snape. He tried to slip into the crowd unnoticed, but no such luck.

"Hey lover boy!" Sirius yelled.

Snape blushed and tried to skulk off to his comrades. Again, no such luck.

"Want to come over here and snog James, Snivellus?" Sirius called.

Again, Snape reddened. Getting no verbal response from him, Sirius stalked over to Snape to pester him.

"Who'd have thought the great Severus Snape, potions master extraordinaire, fancied our little James?" Sirius asserted, maliciously.

The two started walking in circles around each other, in an intimidating manner.

"It was a set-up and you know it, **half-breed lover**," Snape retorted malevolently.

Half-breed lover? No. No one called Remus a half-breed. Especially not Severus Snape!

Sirius lost it. He stood stock-still in silence for about twenty seconds, then he threw the first punch. Snape took the punch hard across the face. He stumbled back a little but quickly regained his balance to throw a left hook at Sirius.

Snape stepped back. "I never knew you felt so strongly about the werewolf," he smirked, "maybe next full moon you two can do it 'doggie-style.'"

At this, Sirius began throwing punch after punch at Snape; he was getting pummeled when Professor Kettleburn pulled them apart.

"Boys!" He scolded sternly, "Violence is never the answer! You two will be serving detention with me tonight at nine o'clock. I will not have fighting in my class! Mr. Black, stand over there," Kettleburn pointed to a spot near the Future Death Eaters of Britain. "Mr. Snape, if you will," he pointed to an area near the three other Marauders.

Kettleburn limped back near the garden and started class. "Today we will be learning about bowtruckles…"

Sirius zoned out for the rest of class.

X

Lily was still levitating the bags of "Happy Hippogriff Manure" over James' head when Kettleburn went into his hut to get a crate of bowtruckles.

James pulled out his two-way mirror.

"Padfoot," he talked into it, "Padfoot, what happened?"

Sirius groaned. "Nothing happened. Snape's a prat. We all know that. End of story. Thank you. Good bye. Any questions?"

"Um, why did you punch him then?" James asked.

"He was insulting… James, are you near Remus and Pete?"

"Not close enough for them to hear, why?"

Sirius sighed, "He was insulting Remus. He called him a half-breed and suggested that he and I have gay sex at the next full moon."

James laughed incredulously. "**He's** suggesting that **you're** gay? He's the one who kissed me this morning!"

"I know," Sirius replied, "Oh shit, Kettleburn's coming back. See you after class." Sirius put his mirror back in his pocket.

James leaned against the tree again; Lily was right behind him, levitating the Happy Hippogriff Manure bags right over his head. This was it: the moment Lily had been waiting for. Slowly but resolutely, Lily lowered her wand. She started a countdown in her head. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 3 and a half, 2, 1 and three quarters… Yes! She dropped the hippogriff dung on James' head.

James howled in surprise. Lily tittered at his reaction: James started running around in circles screaming "HIPPOGRIFF PIE IN MY EYE!"

Many people laughed.

Kettleburn stormed over toward James, who had calmed down and seated himself next to the oak, rocking back and forth. "What in the name of Merlin just happened over here?" Kettleburn demanded.

"Well," Peter replied, "It seems as though an unknown source has dropped a ton of hippogriff dung on James' head."

Kettleburn stormed around the tree looking for clues.

"Aha!" He yelled in triumph, pointing at Lily. "You are the unknown source! You have done this! You will join Mr. Black and Mr. Snape tonight with me for detention!"

Lily was a good girl. Good girls didn't get detention. Lily was a prefect. Prefects didn't get detention. Lily was a model student. Model students didn't get detentions. Lily was in shock. She stood there, stock-still, in silence for about twenty seconds before she fell over into the hippogriff dung surrounding the oak tree.

X

Author's Note: Oh no! What shall happen to dear Lily? OMG I'm so sorry it's been so long since an update! But on a more pleasant note, exams are over (score!), the play was a success & I made the basketball team! W0ot! Expect updates much more often!

"End of story. Thank you. Good bye. Any questions?" -Goblet of Fire movie

"10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 3 and a half, 2, 1 and three quarters… Yes!" -Prisoner of Azkaban Movie


End file.
